Supermarket Make-Over

In a TV world where we are bombarded with reality shows I think that I have finally hit on an original idea:“Supermarket Make-over”.

I know that there is a segment on Entertainment where the fashion police are out stalking unsuspecting, inappropriately dressed people. This is both embarrassing (for those chosen) and pretty good entertainment.
My show (starring yours truly, of course) would be set in a store like Wegmans or Price Chopper where hurried shoppers would be stopped in the dairy section or at the $6.00 meal bar and given the opportunity for a quick, in-store makeover.
I came on this idea today as I was roaming the “natural” foods section in Wegmans, pondering my purpose in the world and wondering why jars that have only 2 ingredients are 5X more expensive than those that have a list looking like a NASA formula for space shuttle fuel. Shoppers of all shapes, sizes, and dress codes were walking by me and I noticed a particularly attractive young woman with long hair pulled up in a bun, no makeup, with a look of utter dismay on her face. Basically, she looked unhappy; probably in a hurry to shop, or thinking about the long term, unsatisfying relationship she has been in for the last decade. Suddenly, a light bulb went off, and I thought, “What a boost to her day if I could give her a 10- minute facial and makeover, right here between the rice cakes and gluten free pizza.
Yes, she might actually go out of here with a spring in her step, some cool colored lip gloss, and the resolve to dump the creepy boyfriend and start a new life. I know I am getting ahead of myself but I know how much better I feel when I finally DO put make up on in the late morning and do not have to look at the new constellation of age spots that has appeared overnight.

I imagine that I could attract quite an audience for this show, particularly if I used only “products” from the food section I was in. Natural foods would be easy, or even dairy (with a yogurt or egg white facial). But how about a show devoted to “Frozen Make-over’s”? A cold bag of peas can do wonders for those dark circles or tell tale baggy eyes. But what about ice cream, frozen hash browns (look at the ingredient list sometime – big time NASA competition) or even stuffed Stromboli? Yes, I would have to get up pretty early in the morning to think up a beauty use for frozen dough, cheese and tomato sauce, but I am confident that sponsors would clamber at my dressing room door to help me find ideas to apply their multi-ingredient products. Entire new markets would open up creating original careers for unemployed library workers: nutritionist/ electrolysis technician/hair stylist. And yes, devoted readers, I would have my own satellite magazine that would put “Celebrity Hair Do” on the B list.

Of course I would have a guest artist on each show: Someone like retiring manager Lynne Y. who knows how to put the "Y" in STYLE. I can credit any color coordinated outfits I own to Lynne’s fashion sense. She is a shopping force to be reckoned with and can browse an entire rack of clothes and choose the perfect green for me while I am still wandering in men’s accessories. Just imagine what she could do in the Oriental Wok bar?
Wait!! Hold the presses (I have always wanted to say that). As I am writing this I came up with a brilliant idea for the Stromboli: a Stromboli French twist with the frozen dough used as the base to plump up and twist long hair – actually an “Italian twist”. Of course this is not a long-lasting hairdo but think about the advantage to this on a hot summer day (like today). I have a feeling if Little Miss Unhappy from the natural foods section had a cool Stromboli hanging down her neck, she would have incentive to go home and kick some you know what with the bad boyfriend.

Maybe all of this is just a pipe dream, or my dream of celebrity, or even a result of my new pharmaceutically lowered blood pressure?
Anyway, Stay tuned and the next time you see ME I might be making over YOU!!

Hair Wars

I have been at war with my hair now for several years. This is not something that I talk about much except with my high school friend who lives in Portland Maine. We have been comparing notes through email and in person over the years on all kinds of personal subjects. “Hair” is just one of our favorite topics that can make us laugh or cry depending on the day.

We both had BIG hair in high school and looking back at yearbook pictures, we must have added several inches to our short stature with the big hair. The early years after High School were kind to both of us: happy marriages, great kids, healthy parents and good hair! Later, things were not so good.
Menopause hit and I noticed the part in my hair getting wider. I would check in the mirror to make sure that my “comb over” was in place covering up the vortex that was forming in the back of my head; I talked to my doctor, my gynecologist, and my hairdresser. They did not have much to offer. My doctor is a member of the “Hair Club” for men. He told me that this is a club that NO one wants to join but they have made him look 10 years younger with a hair “weave”. My gynecologist is from India, has the thickest, darkest hair imaginable and did not consider MY hair to be a problem. She also told me that arranged marriages were “fine” as “one man is as good as the next”- sort of like shoes: if they don’t fit, just go up a half a size.
My hairdresser assured me that I was not losing my hair. It was just the "normal aging process" and my hair was becoming “a little finer in texture”. I started spending inordinate amounts of money on hair care products to bulk it up: volumizing shampoos, root boosters, follicle enhancers, spray gels and hair spray. I could not fund my 401K in 2006 due to excessive hair product purchases! I read somewhere that “highlights” add texture and body to fine hair so: more color, more products, and more money!

All of this is the name of vanity and sometimes I ask myself, “Is it worth it?”

My friend has said that this was just another secret that our mothers kept from us. She wrote: “remember, how we used to think our mothers had bad hair days? They really just had bad hair!” That is why they roamed around Eastwood with pink curlers under a scarf, until the last minute when they would pull them out to go to work or out to dinner.
I remember my mother wearing something called a “wiglet” to my wedding. She had a hairdresser, Connie, who was legendary in the city for making a silk purse out of very little hair. Customers would go in with flat hair and come out looking like Dolly Parton. Our mothers did not wash their hair every day. They would have it “set” and used stuff like “dippity-do” to give it that cemented texture. It lasted for days – nothing could deflate it until they returned to Connie for another session. They looked good and were thrifty to boot: they saved on hair products and on water. They also did not have to deal with their hair every day.

I’ve read in “Celebrity Hair Do” that most of the people we see on TV and in magazines use some type of hair extensions. This is real hair that is clipped, fused or glued in place under your own skimpy locks. Entertainers pay big bucks to have this done and my daughter will not buy fashion magazines because she believes the photos are detrimental to young girls and women who are given an unrealistic view of beauty and body size by the publishers and photographers.
OKAY! But I still love to look at pictures of people with good hair, fake or otherwise.

My friend in Maine recently had two weddings in her family. She sent along pictures from both weddings and she looked fabulous! I emailed her immediately, ignoring her wonderful family, handsome sons, and adorable grandchildren in the photos. I wrote: “Coleen! I love your hair. You look fantastic and YOUNG! Were you wearing a wiglet? Has Connie been reincarnated?”
She answered back, “Good hair day, no wind, lots of mousse and tons of hair spray”.
And so the battle goes on….